Warning: This text incorporates references to suicide and psychological well being points.
“If you get to the NFL they usually hand you 1,000,000 {dollars}, it is onerous to not have just a little little bit of enjoyable, however I by no means as soon as cherished the sport.”
Taken at face worth, that assertion by Ryan O’Callaghan – a former offensive deal with with the New England Patriots and the Kansas Metropolis Chiefs – appears onerous to imagine.
The 6ft 7in, 330lb Californian had risen to the top of American sport, defending legendary quarterback Tom Brady on the pitch, and having fun with all the trimmings of fame away from it.
So how may he not love the sport?
“The one cause I performed soccer to start with was that I realised it was an awesome cowl for being homosexual,” O’Callaghan explains.
“I relied on everybody’s ignorance, assuming that homosexual guys cannot play American soccer, and I took benefit of that.
“And you recognize what? It labored, for nearly 30 years.”
‘I used to be going year-by-year, hanging on for expensive life’
Born in 1983, O’Callaghan’s soccer journey started in highschool, the place the Californian’s pure measurement and power meant coaches had been eyeing him up as a possible standout participant from an early age.
Success at that stage led to a four-year stint on the College of California, the place O’Callaghan earned the Morris Trophy as one of many Pac-10 Convention’s prime offensive linesmen – and by the point of the NFL Draft in 2006, consultants had been selecting him out as one of many names to look at.
Then aged 23, he was chosen by the New England Patriots within the fifth spherical, and so joined one in every of sport’s most storied franchises.
However whereas, to an outsider, O’Callaghan was on a seemingly pre-ordained journey to the large time, the Californian knew the one cause he was enjoying in any respect was to cover the very fact he was homosexual.
At a younger age, he’d taken a acutely aware determination to seek out the ‘straightest’ factor he may consider – being an NFL star – after which change into it to deflect questions on his personal sexuality.
It did not matter that he did not like the sport.
To O’Callaghan, soccer was greater than only a sport. It was a defend.
“I used to be going year-by-year, hanging on for expensive life, simply attempting to determine one thing out to remain coated,” he admits.
“So to get drafted was an enormous sigh of reduction.”
‘All the things was centred round staying closeted… it is no approach to dwell’
As soon as on the roster on the Patriots, O’Callaghan was thrown in on the deep finish.
Nonetheless a rookie, he was tasked with enjoying in entrance of Brady – one of many best to step on to the gridiron.
However as O’Callaghan’s enjoying profession went from power to power, the stress of concealing his sexuality was taking a critical toll.
“I used to be a catastrophe,” he admits.
“I used to be each type of depressing there was, and consistently nervous about being outed. I by no means as soon as did something with one other man once I was enjoying soccer so there was by no means anybody who may out me, however I used to be all the time paranoid that in some way, somebody would discover out.
“All the things I did was centred round staying closeted. I wasn’t attempting to make the group to earn a living – though that was good and I wanted that to outlive. It was to remain closeted, that was my complete mindset.
“It is no approach to dwell.”
‘I needed nothing apart from to not really feel like myself’
Because the seasons racked up, O’Callaghan’s ache elevated.
The grind of elite-level soccer, first in school after which the NFL, left the Californian with shoulder and groin accidents he could not shake.
And haunting him at each flip was the concern that he’d be outed.
“Each evening, laying there earlier than mattress, it was chaos in my very own thoughts,” he says.
“What saved me going was attempting to maintain my story straight, and the entire time I used to be closeted, I by no means spent 10 minutes contemplating whether or not it might be OK if I got here out. I used to be simply so consumed within the unfavourable, I by no means gave myself an opportunity to consider whether or not my household, my pals would settle for me.”
So O’Callaghan – who had now moved to the Kansas Metropolis Chiefs – began taking painkillers, hoping to numb the affect of his bodily accidents, but in addition wishing for one thing extra.
“At that time in my life, I needed nothing apart from to not really feel like myself,” he says.
“So I shortly grew to become a full-blown addict, taking all of the painkillers I may get my fingers on. I used to be very fortunate I did not overdose, however again then, I did not care. That may have been the simple approach out.
“I believe lots of people who’re addicts assume they’re doing a very good job of hiding it, but it surely’s straightforward to inform for an expert, and our coach observed I used to be appearing just a little off.”
‘It was a typical sense factor, however that had by no means even crossed my thoughts’
That coach beneficial O’Callaghan converse with Dr Susan Wilson – a witty, fast-talking scientific psychologist who, in some ways, was the polar reverse of the Californian.
Years of hiding who he was had persuaded O’Callaghan that he’d have the ability to idiot her as nicely.
However because the pressure of concealing his sexuality pushed his psychological well being to breaking level, O’Callaghan realised he needed to let her in.
“It was clearly going to be my final season within the NFL with all of the accidents mounting up, and my plan was to finish my life on the finish of my profession,” he says. “So one evening, I emailed her after months of speaking, saying I needed to satisfy.
“It took a very long time, sitting in that room throughout from her, for me to muster up the braveness to inform her I am homosexual – however I did, and she or he stood up and gave me a hug.
“I informed her my plan of ending my life resulting from all my worries of what different folks would assume and, in a extra skilled method, she principally mentioned: ‘Properly, for those who’re simply going to kill your self, why do not you discover out if it’s essential, and whether or not these folks you are so nervous about are going to just accept you?’
“That is only a widespread sense factor, however that had by no means even crossed my thoughts as a result of I used to be simply finished with it. And I am grateful for her phrases and serving to me give you a plan.”
Slowly, O’Callaghan started to inform folks his fact.
He got here out to his household and his shut pals in 2012, after which – after getting clear and placing his life again collectively – he shared his story publicly in 2017.
“You do not go from hating your self and planning on dying to being tremendous in a single day, and I felt like I wanted to dwell my life as a homosexual man,” he says.
“And my authentic intention was to not come out publicly, however because the years went on, I used to be sitting again ready for another person to do it, and it simply did not occur.”
‘The objective in life is to get up and be who you wish to be, and I get to do this’
So O’Callaghan got here out to the world, and embraced the platform that got here with it.
The Californian now has his personal basis that works to create extra alternatives for LGBTQ+ athletes, and companions with the NFL to advertise the significance of variety and inclusion.
And, greater than that, O’Callaghan shares his journey to assist those that – like him – as soon as thought they may by no means be their genuine selves in sport.
“There are nonetheless folks on the market who’re deeply closeted and really feel like they’d by no means be accepted,” he says.
“Clearly, everybody’s circumstances are totally different, however I inform my story as a result of there are lots of people on the market who really feel like they can not be themselves, once I strongly assume folks ought to simply give it an opportunity.
“The objective in life is to get up and be who you wish to be and do what you wish to do, and I get to do this. I get to regulate my very own future.
“And I believe quite a lot of the time, if I am having a foul day, I look again and go: ‘nicely, I made it by that – so this ain’t going to be too dangerous!'”
Should you, or somebody you recognize, have been affected by any points raised on this article, assist and data is on the market at BBC Motion Line. You too can contact the Samaritans on a free helpline 116 123, or go to the website.
Ryan O’Callaghan was chatting with Jack Murley on the BBC’s LGBT Sport Podcast. You possibly can hear new episodes each Wednesday on BBC Sounds.